Dear Blue States:
We received your letter.
I'm sorry to say that about half your populations are going to relocate to the Red States. These include most CEO's, CFO's, entrepreneurs, venture capitalists, the high-tech industry and pretty much everyone in the top 5%. We're taking all of their federal tax revenues with us.
Since the large businesses and most successful small businesses are going to relocate, we are taking all their workers with us. This includes those who aspire to make their own way in life like Joe the Plumber, and the millions just like him.
We'll be advertising that any business left in Nuevo California who wants to pay lower business tax is welcome to immigrate to any of the Red States. Once everyone has moved over, we should have about 90% of the tax revenues.
You get the natural resources in Old California, we get Alaska, Texas and the Gulf Coast. That gives us 3/4 of the oil production and reserves.
You can keep Harvard and the rest of the Ivy League schools, but businesses in the Red States are going to recruit nearly all your graduates. The only charitable donations that will be tax deductible are donations made to Red State charities and schools. When we start new schools in the Red States we are going to recruit from your professors, but you can keep Ward Churchill, William Ayers, and Rashid Khalidi.
We will continue to have great health care since most of the doctors are in that top 5%. Most already have health care insurance but those that don't will get a tax credit they can use in any one of the Red States.
We will finish the war in Iraq because even those of us who disagree with the war know we have an obligation not to abandon a country we fully destabilized by starting a war there. Our military will continue to be voluntary, with even children of our highest elected officials defending life around the globe. We will continue to focus on security within the Red States, since we do not want another 9/11. We should be fine, I think most of the military will be okay relocating to the Red States. We will be closely watching your unconditional discussions Iran.
We won't publicly claim that women with children should stay at home with the kids rather than run for public office, and then turn around and say we believe in equal rights for both genders. We will champion all women, regardless of political viewpoint.
We'll gladly let you keep the Democratic Leaders in Congress who want to increase spending through the roof and who have a lower approval rating than Bush.
You can keep most of the media stations, we'll keep one. The irony is we'll get more balanced news on our one station than you'll get on all 7 of yours. We won't stand for top political officials cutting off access to reporters who ask tough questions or don't endorse them.
We will be willing to negotiate a trade agreement for pineapple and lettuce, since you will have lost so many jobs you'll probably agree. You can keep the beaches and the wine, we'll be too busy working hard and we'll find other ways to enjoy our success. The people who care about the good pot and expanding welfare for all will probably stay with you, good luck with that.
Thanks for making our job easier,
Red States
